Mar
26

The Luck of The Stupid.

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The story I’m about to share with you is ABSOLUTELY true, I’m not even changing the names to protect the innocent, while totally unbelievable I swear it is true.

First let me say this is a story of complete luck, it’s almost like a lottery story only I was 15 and couldn’t play the lottery. I would gladly trade this bit of dumb luck for the lottery today but I fear this used up my “PLEASE GOD” moment-total waste in hindsight but in the moment I think you’ll understand.

If you’ve read my blog you know all about the summer between 9th and 10th grade…if you haven’t, well you’ll  have to go back and read now won’t you?

I had recently got contact lenses. Back in the 80s contacts were not cheap and they were not disposable. They were expensive and I had been warned countless times to “BE CAREFUL” and I had “BETTER NOT LOSE THEM”. Had I lost my contacts I would have faced the wrath of my father, something that no one in their right mind would ever want to do. My Dad tended to over react sometimes, ok all the time, (ask me sometime about the Moped incident) but truly, lose my contacts I was a dead man.  

So it’s summer and I’m hanging with my girlfriend and some other people. We all decide it is hot enough to go to the park and go swimming. ME being the diligent, smart kid I was, get my contact lens case because when I get to the park and the stream I’m going to take my lenses out because back in the 80s according to the doctors if you swam with your contact lenses in you’d die instantly.

We arrive, I remove my contact lenses and swim with no issues…weeeeeee !!!! Oh boy we are having some fun. What? Time to go? Oh Ok, let me pop my contact lenses back in so I can see. Right lense pops in NO PROBLEM….just as I’m lifting the left lens to my eye…POOF a little tiny gust of wind, mind you the ONLY gust of wind on a completely hot sunny humid day in July. The F-You wind comes by and blows the contact lens off my finger into oblivion-or so I thought.

“Gosh Golly”! I yell, ok I made that up, I yelled some pretty foul things. My lens blew off my finger and straight into the stream. Yes the stream that is MOVING at a pretty good clip into the Metedaconk River which I’m sure in turn leads directly to the Atlantic Ocean.  Panic strikes me, I bolt off the bridge I am standing on and RUN down stream and enter the waist deep water. I made every deal with God I could think off, which is why I am convinced I will never win the lottery. I used up all my “Please God” moments with this one. I know, you’re saying “NO WAY”, I’m saying “YES”-I started to scoop up bubbles as they passed me, what else was I going to do. I scooped up countless bubbles, when I was just about to give up, when I scooped up one last set of bubbles and there LOW AND BEHOLD was my contact lens, right there in my hand. The lens landed upright and appeared like a bubble on the water-what are the odds of that?

I NEVER told my father that story, even into my 40s before he passed away I never shared that story with him, I was afraid he’d still kick my ass LOL…silly what we think of over a cold Sam Adams. I raise my glass to stupid luck and the fact that I know I will never ever win the lottery.

Categories : Family Life
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Feb
04

I’m Bored?

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NO I’m not actually bored but this is something I constantly see my kids typing in their Facebook status line…OMG I am going to sound like my parents here…BORED? In my day we had basic cable and no Internet, THE HORROR! Even we were spoiled then at least we had HBO.

Conversation I recently had with my 12 Year Old Daughter…

Her (lying on couch flipping through on demand movies) Of course she didn’t say anything because God forbid she initiate a conversation with me.

Me: Hey what’s up?

Her: (Grunt)

Me: HELLO-what’s up?

Her: I’m bored! There is nothing on TV.

Me: WHAT? We have every pay channel known to man, we have at LEAST 500 channels (including HD) and you can’t find ANYTHING to watch?

Her: NO TV stinks.

Me: Go clean your room.

Seriously, now I know what my Dad meant when he said all those things that I thought were so stupid back in the day, because I must have sounded as pathetic. Although let’s be honest with each other, while we did have “basic” cable, I don’t remember spending too much time in front of the TV-I remember being outside actually interacting with the real world. Not growing a farm on Farmville and decking out my pad in Yoville.

I furnished my room with plastic milk crates…I know…I know… but some how a 14 year old kid in 1978 thought having a desk and shelves built out of milk crates was cool…but at least I was doing it in real life.

My oldest son spends a lot of time playing Call of Duty…killing imaginary friends online. I guess it’s the same thing we were doing back in the day. Using sticks to play war, if you were shot you had to count to 10 before you could get back up. But we were OUTSIDE my Sniper rifle was the long straight stick I found in the woods, not some weapon I found lying next to the dead avatar of some kid in the Baltics, who I’m sure in his language has told his parents an equal amount of time of how bored he is.

The status of one of my children was recently changed to “sooooooooo bbbbbbbooooooorrrrrrreeeeeeeddddddd” this posting was exactly 10 minutes after he had posted “I’m bored” For craps sake, we have Playstation, Xbox and Wii in my house, computers, as mentioned before cable TV, countless board games (which they say are BORED games), every toy they’ve asked for a Christmas, iPods, Blu Ray, Netflix…my God it is a smorgasbord of entertainment in my house. I’m almost ashamed to admit I have all this stuff…Look I like the modern comforts to, but trust me I am NEVER bored in my house.

Bored and unable to talk is how these kids will remember their childhood? Why do I mention that? My daughter was sitting right next to her cousin and instead of talking to each other they texted each other, What? No one talks any more.

I try to be a cool Dad, but man oh man I have trouble getting this generation…forget hoping I die before I get old, I just want to figure out my kids before I go senile.

Categories : Family Life
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Dec
04

New Voice Over Demo

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Just received my professional Voice Over Demo, this is what I’ll be using to market myself to whoever wants to hire me. Give it a listen and let me know what you think…CLICK HERE FOR VOICE SITE

Sorry haven’t been around in a bit, I’m back!

Categories : Family Life
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Nov
05

Oh Well…

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Guess God was either busy, didn’t believe me, or is a Yankees fan. We’ll get ’em next year. Thanks Phillies for a GREAT season!

Thanks God for listening any way! I’ll still take peace on earth and feeding the hungry if you have time!

Categories : Family Life
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Nov
04

A Phillies Prayer

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Phillies-LogoGod, it’s me Pottsie, I know you’re busy right now managing more important things in the world but if you could spare a couple of minutes for me I’d appreciate it.

I know I asked for this last year and I’m sure during that prayer I promised if you let the Phillies win I would never do something again, I don’t remember what it was but I’m sure I promised to not do something that I probably shouldn’t have been doing…I forget. But I promise, please let the Phillies win tonight, and I promise to never do whatever I promised not to do last year again. I know I’m being selfish so I’m also asking you to bring peace on earth and feed the hungry but if you could some how manage to have Pedro pitch the greatest game of his life tonight, and have Chase Utley hit 3 or 4 more homeruns and get Ryan Howard to stop swinging blindly at the outside breaking ball that EVERYONE knows is coming and allow the Phillies to stretch this out to game 7 I promise to call upon you again tomorrow to ask that they win game 7.

Thanks for listening God!

Categories : Family Life
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Scary_Stuff_Poster_Web2It’s Halloween and I figure this is the best time to list the things that have scared me most or still scare me. See how many of these you can relate to.

The Flu scares the crap out of me, I’me talking the real full blown FLU, not some knock off bug. I had it a couple of years ago and it was absolutely the worst thing I’ve gone through. I can see why people die from it.

Rap Music-

Miley Cirus

Pennywise from It-What a Creepy Character.

Gargoyles under my bed, anyone remember the made for TV movie The Gargoyles, when the gargoyle comes out from under the bed? EEEEKKKK!!! Hey it was scary when you were 8 years old.

Taxes

The Jersey Devil…the real one not that CRAPPY Hockey team.

Spiders. They just creep me out.

The Rolling Stones (now) Hang It Up already!

SNUFFY!!!!! Snuffy was a Saint Bernard that lived in our neighborhood when I was younger. He was MEAN, and occasionally he got out. When he did some kid some where on the block would yell. “Snuffy got out!”. That was our warning to run and climb on top of the nearest car or up a tree.

My Dad, when he was mad you KNEW IT and you were SCARED!

Being left alone with my older sister and brother when I was little. They TERRORIZED ME. Scary noises, turning out the lights…it was a regular Hell House at times.

The Exorcist, there is nothing about that movie that still does not frighten me..scary-face
I’ve seen the movie a bunch of times, in fact I own it on DVD, but because it is a traumatic memory from my childhood it is one that still remains with me. I’ll watch it but it still frightens me

Flying. I’ll do it but I don’t like it.

My wife’s driving.

Ghosts. I believe in them. I’ve seen them and heard them. Trust me ghosts are real.

Squirrels. Read my earlier blog entry and you’ll see why.

Beef Tripe. OMG it is horrible.

Madonna, no longer the sex kitten from the Like A Virgin album, she now looks like Iggy Pop.

The mound of dirt in the basement of my Aunt’s house in Virginia. They told us it was a body. We believed them.

My Uncle Kenny when he took his teeth out and chased us around the house with them.

My Uncle Kenny when he wrapped himself up from head to toe in tin foil and ran out of the woods on a family camping trip. It took them hours to locate all the kids that ran off in every direction. Uncle Kenny was a good guy, he just liked scaring us.

Morgues. After getting out of the Army and before becoming a Police Officer I worked in a hospital, one of my jobs was to take deceased bodies from ICU to the Morgue. ICU was third floor, the hospital was not a big hospital and part of the third floor was empty, the part where the elevator to the morgue was. Enough said.

Japanese Anime-I just don’t get it.

And finally the thing that scares me most…Cleaning Out My Garage!

Categories : Family Life
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Oct
24

Come Sail Away

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comesailawayWhile I was at the gym this morning (I threw that in there because I want you all to know I go to the gym) I was on the Treadmill listening to my handy dandy iPod and “Come Sail Away” by Styx popped up, I certainly enjoy the song and I let it play even though the beginning is a tad too slow for treadmill work. Memory bubbles (or I had an aneurysm) started bursting in my head as I thought back to this song and the music I was listening to in High School.

One album I enjoyed immensely when I was young was an album that was ruined for me with two simple sentences. I had borrowed Pink Floyd’s The Wall album from a friend of mine and since I had just borrowed it I was listening to it over and over since I knew I’d have to return it shortly (I didn’t yet have a tape recorder, remember those?). As I was listening I walked out into the kitchen where my Dad was in his familiar seat at the head of the kitchen table surrounded by books. My father read more books than anyone I know, he read so fast that he often finished 3 or 4 books in a day, no kidding! I walked into the kitchen and my father asked, “Who is that?” meaning the music I was listening to. I replied it was Pink Floyd and My Father replied “I like HIM.” HIM! I explained Pink Floyd was a group not a him, and he said “well I like the music.” I immediately went into my room removed The Wall from the turntable and didn’t listen again for a few years. Silly? Absolutely. But it is nothing that I don’t see my own children doing today. I love The Killers, so really none of my kids will listen to them because it is “un-cool” because Dad likes the same music. So let me apologize to you Dad for depriving you of Pink Floyd and The Wall based solely on the fact that you liked the same music I did, but back then somehow someone who liked and listened to Mitch Miller liking the same music as me, well it didn’t cut it. But I understand now.

This brings me back to the song that originally got me thinking about this. “Come Sail Away.” this song was in the running to be our Prom Song in 1982. I mean seriously in the running. It came down to “Come Sail Away” and “We’ve Got Tonight” by Bob Seger. For awhile there it seemed as if “Come Sail Away” was going to win the prize, I lobbied against it for obvious reasons. The song is about ALIENS! Why do I want to celebrate my prom to a song about Aliens?

I thought that they were angels, but to my surprise
They climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies
Singing come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me
Come sail away, come sail away
Come sail away with me.

Nice quaint little song there Dennis DeYoung, a song that had prom goers in the 70s and early 80s celebrating their graduation from High School dancing to a song about Aliens, reminds me of Heaven‘s Gate. Sneaky Dennis Sneaky!

“We’ve Got Tonight” won, thank goodness, and we all slow danced and coped a feel to the smooth sounds of Bob Seger begging a girl to stay with him for the night. Seems desperate, but weren’t we all back then?

I think tomorrow at the gym, I’ll listen to that guy Pink Floyd and his record album The Wall.

Categories : Family Life
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Oct
22

PHILLIES

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Phillies-Logo‘Nuff Said!!!!

Categories : Family Life
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Oct
16

The Beaver

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beaverA few years back it was time to introduce my fiancé’s parents to my mother and my step father. This of course was the proper thing to do, we were getting married and whether they liked it or not they were going be family, so we had to introduce them.

My mother was excited to be meeting Cheri’s parents, my step father wasn’t as enthused. Not because he wasn’t going to like them or even that he didn’t want to meet them, that’s just the way he was. My mother planned an elaborate meal, I promised Cheri I’d be on my best behavior and off we went. I know my step father made the same promise to be on his best behavior, we did tend to be a bit crude when we got together and talked. We knew this was off limits this night.

We drove to South Jersey, Egg Harbor, where my Mom lives. A drive I was very happy to survive, my mother in law complains I drive too fast, but her husband drove about 30 mph too slow and drifted dangerously close to cars on both sides of the line. God and I were having a continuous conversation all the way down as I promised to be good if he allowed me to survive this trip South. He did and I was, for another couple of hours at least.

We arrived in one piece and I immediately asked my Mom for a glass of wine to calm my nerves. Pleasantries were exchanged, we sat and talked a bit before dinner. We talked about Cheri and my wedding, we were lectured on how hard life was going to be at times…boy they WERE NOT KIDDING. Children, blah, blah, blah, my wife accuses me of not listening to her or something like that.

Mom announces that dinner was ready and we gather around the table, still exchanging pleasantries, I’m sure we talked about the weather the state of the economy and whatever else wouldn’t get me in trouble. Cheri leaned over to me a few times and reminded me to behave myself and not embarrass her. Embarrass her? THAT”S WHAT I DO! Cheri that’s my thing, I’m supposed to embarrass you, you better get used to it now (she has) or this marriage thing will never work (it has).

Dinner is going well, I’ve actually done very well, no rude or crude things said by me. Conversation is flowing, everyone seems to be really enjoying themselves. I spoke of my time in Germany and the conversation turned to food. We discussed the type of food there was in Germany, my step father spoke of the strange stuff he ate in England. Just generic conversation about the menus of those Countries. Neither of us had slipped up, we were behaving ourselves

My soon to be Father in Law, who had been stationed in Alaska while he was in the service, innocently turned to me and asked me, as serious as anyone could be, “Have you ever eaten Beaver?” I looked wide eyed at my soon to be wife who looked at me with mouth wide open but with eyes that said if you say anything I will NOT marry you. At that moment I turned to my step father and looked at him and he said to me “He can’t say that.” All food I had in my mouth shot out in my hand as I tried desperately to stifle my laugh. It was not happening, I got up from the table ran to the back of the house doubled over in laughter. As the title of my blog suggest, this was a true Snot Bubble moment. I laughed so hard I was crying on the beanbag chair in the back room of my mom’s house.

My soon to be wife came back to me with terror in her eyes because she was mustering all the energy she could to not laugh at the table, she joined me in laughter in the back room.

We rejoined the dinner party about 10 minutes later, we sat, I giggled a few times but quickly stopped each time I was punched in the leg by my wife. The conversation turned to other things and my father in law and I never spoke of food again.

Categories : Devious Animals
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There was a time, and yes it was a long time ago, that I was a little kid and I recall my sister coming home from the movie theaters terrified and deeply disturbed by a movie she had just seen. The original Night of The Living Dead…the black and white version is still superior in many ways to anything that has been done since. My sister had trouble sleeping and just her descriptions of the movie gave me nightmares. After I grew up a bit (some still debate whether or not I actually ever have) I saw the movie and “They’re coming to get you Barbara.” is still a classic scene in my opinion. This is when being a Zombie meant something.

I bring this up because I have to ask the question, “What the heck have we done to zombies?” I am not afraid of Zombies any more, we have so commercialized them and mainstreamed them so much that Zombies no longer hold any fear over us. Occasionally, a zombie might turn the corner in front of you, you might even get a little startled, but then you just take 3 quick steps and you’ve left the zombie in the dust. They can’t run, hell they can’t even talk, but according to this video they can sing.

Zombies were once at the top of the scare me crapless chain, they took over for Godzilla and Mothra, the Blob and other 50s and 60s movie monsters. Godzilla et al ,took over from our classic monsters Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolf man (I Was a Teenage Werewolf and Teen Wolf DO NOT COUNT) and the Mummy. Now I know the Devil tried to step in there and scare us all senseless what with the Exorcist and the Omen, he had a pretty good run of it there for awhile. The Exorcist is still number one on my list of all time scary movies. But Zombies, well hell, they were scary because they were real! What you’ve never seen a zombie? Ok, the next time you go out all night drinking,  get up the next morning and look in the mirror…now you tell me if zombies are “real” or not.

Zombies were minding their own business, eating the occasional brain or two (see Barrack Obama) scarring us senseless first in black and white, then in full on color in Night of the Living Dead. You know after Night of the Living Dead I never trusted the fragrance ladies in the mall again, what was all that make up and perfume hiding? (Let me remind my reader(s) that Night takes place in a mall, ahh now you get the joke). Then along came a little ditty called “Thriller” Zombies DANCING. Wh-wh-wh-WHAT!!! NO NO NO NO Zombies DO NOT DANCE…ok occasionally they dance the night before while they are still drinking, but they are never proud of it, especially if they are wearing Cowboy Boots and telling everyone to get in a circle (for my sis). All Zombies EVERYWHERE were aghast, those that still had their jaws attached before this video literally dropped them…the 80s had become a tough time for Zombies, the Hooters totally New Waved them with their song “All You Zombies“, Zombies were being portrayed unfairly in the media and they united and wanted everyone to know they didn’t like it. (see No Nukes Protest).

Their protesting worked and we got away from Zombies for awhile, they went back to their own mundane undead lives working hard just to put a little brain on the table, while we moved on to scarier things. Aliens…Not E.T… ALIENS!!! Ok the first Alien and maybe the second but not the rest of them, by the time we got to 3 and 4 the Alien was like Mickey Rourke, too much plastic surgery and just not that interesting any more. Freddy Kruger entered our Nightmares. Zombies still popped up, see Evil Dead, but they just weren’t how can I say this without offending, scary anymore. I know I’m sorry I said it, but someone had to, come on you know you were thinking the same thing.

We saw Zombies in video games, as far back as the 80s with Zombie Zombie (even then we were teasing them) to today with Left4 Dead (which is FAKE, everyone knows Zombies CAN NOT RUN, JUMP or CLIMB).

World War Z SUCKED!

The Walking Dead is doing its best to restore the Zombie reputation but I think it’s too late. We have Zombies selling us phones now.

Zombieland and Warm Bodies totally dissed Zombies as once again they seem to be portraying the Zombie as a stupid, bumbling fool who serves no purpose but to eat the occasional brain (see Miley Cirus). We have taken a poor Nightmare producing creature and reduced it to the brunt of jokes;

Why did the zombie go to hospital?
He wanted to learn, a few sick jokes.

How do you know a zombie is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.

What do little zombies play?
Corpses and Robbers.

What did the zombie get a medal for?
Deadication.

What’s a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
It’s a dead-letter day.

Where do zombies go for cruises?
The Deaditerranean Sea.

What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?

What do you call a zombie in a belfry?
A dead ringer.

What did the zombie eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist.

And my favorite…I mean..ah hem…this one is ridiculous.

Two zombies and a human go into a bar. The first zombie says to the other zombie, “Graaaghaa haarann margahhaa naaarrrrrrgnn!”

The other zombie says “Hrraaaaa Maggaa GRAMMA GRAMMA bargh nrrrrhr!”

And then they eat the human.

Good God what’s next Zombiepalooza?!? A Zombie Mud Run for charity? What?? You’re kidding…They did it? OMG!

Zombies deserve a little respect…so the next time one turns the corner and startles you, politely smile, take your three quick steps and move on, please don’t stare.

Please enjoy this video as a reminder of how cool Zombies once were.

Up Next Twilight and True Blood what it means to the Vampire Nation.

Categories : Ramblings
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