Zombies: Show A Little Respect.

There was a time, and yes it was a long time ago, that I was a little kid and I recall my sister coming home from the movie theaters terrified and deeply disturbed by a movie she had just seen. The original Night of The Living Dead…the black and white version is still superior in many ways to anything that has been done since. My sister had trouble sleeping and just her descriptions of the movie gave me nightmares. After I grew up a bit (some still debate whether or not I actually ever have) I saw the movie and “They’re coming to get you Barbara.” is still a classic scene in my opinion. This is when being a Zombie meant something.

I bring this up because I have to ask the question, “What the heck have we done to zombies?” I am not afraid of Zombies any more, we have so commercialized them and mainstreamed them so much that Zombies no longer hold any fear over us. Occasionally, a zombie might turn the corner in front of you, you might even get a little startled, but then you just take 3 quick steps and you’ve left the zombie in the dust. They can’t run, hell they can’t even talk, but according to this video they can sing.

Zombies were once at the top of the scare me crapless chain, they took over for Godzilla and Mothra, the Blob and other 50s and 60s movie monsters. Godzilla et al ,took over from our classic monsters Dracula, Frankenstein, Wolf man (I Was a Teenage Werewolf and Teen Wolf DO NOT COUNT) and the Mummy. Now I know the Devil tried to step in there and scare us all senseless what with the Exorcist and the Omen, he had a pretty good run of it there for awhile. The Exorcist is still number one on my list of all time scary movies. But Zombies, well hell, they were scary because they were real! What you’ve never seen a zombie? Ok, the next time you go out all night drinking,  get up the next morning and look in the mirror…now you tell me if zombies are “real” or not.

Zombies were minding their own business, eating the occasional brain or two (see Barrack Obama) scarring us senseless first in black and white, then in full on color in Night of the Living Dead. You know after Night of the Living Dead I never trusted the fragrance ladies in the mall again, what was all that make up and perfume hiding? (Let me remind my reader(s) that Night takes place in a mall, ahh now you get the joke). Then along came a little ditty called “Thriller” Zombies DANCING. Wh-wh-wh-WHAT!!! NO NO NO NO Zombies DO NOT DANCE…ok occasionally they dance the night before while they are still drinking, but they are never proud of it, especially if they are wearing Cowboy Boots and telling everyone to get in a circle (for my sis). All Zombies EVERYWHERE were aghast, those that still had their jaws attached before this video literally dropped them…the 80s had become a tough time for Zombies, the Hooters totally New Waved them with their song “All You Zombies“, Zombies were being portrayed unfairly in the media and they united and wanted everyone to know they didn’t like it. (see No Nukes Protest).

Their protesting worked and we got away from Zombies for awhile, they went back to their own mundane undead lives working hard just to put a little brain on the table, while we moved on to scarier things. Aliens…Not E.T… ALIENS!!! Ok the first Alien and maybe the second but not the rest of them, by the time we got to 3 and 4 the Alien was like Mickey Rourke, too much plastic surgery and just not that interesting any more. Freddy Kruger entered our Nightmares. Zombies still popped up, see Evil Dead, but they just weren’t how can I say this without offending, scary anymore. I know I’m sorry I said it, but someone had to, come on you know you were thinking the same thing.

We saw Zombies in video games, as far back as the 80s with Zombie Zombie (even then we were teasing them) to today with Left4 Dead (which is FAKE, everyone knows Zombies CAN NOT RUN, JUMP or CLIMB).

World War Z SUCKED!

The Walking Dead is doing its best to restore the Zombie reputation but I think it’s too late. We have Zombies selling us phones now.

Zombieland and Warm Bodies totally dissed Zombies as once again they seem to be portraying the Zombie as a stupid, bumbling fool who serves no purpose but to eat the occasional brain (see Miley Cirus). We have taken a poor Nightmare producing creature and reduced it to the brunt of jokes;

Why did the zombie go to hospital?
He wanted to learn, a few sick jokes.

How do you know a zombie is tired?
He’s dead on his feet.

What do little zombies play?
Corpses and Robbers.

What did the zombie get a medal for?
Deadication.

What’s a zombie say when he gets a letter from his girlfriend?
It’s a dead-letter day.

Where do zombies go for cruises?
The Deaditerranean Sea.

What did the zombie’s friend say when he introduced him to his girlfriend?
Good grief! Where did you dig her up from?

What do you call a zombie in a belfry?
A dead ringer.

What did the zombie eat after its teeth were pulled out?
The dentist.

And my favorite…I mean..ah hem…this one is ridiculous.

Two zombies and a human go into a bar. The first zombie says to the other zombie, “Graaaghaa haarann margahhaa naaarrrrrrgnn!”

The other zombie says “Hrraaaaa Maggaa GRAMMA GRAMMA bargh nrrrrhr!”

And then they eat the human.

Good God what’s next Zombiepalooza?!? A Zombie Mud Run for charity? What?? You’re kidding…They did it? OMG!

Zombies deserve a little respect…so the next time one turns the corner and startles you, politely smile, take your three quick steps and move on, please don’t stare.

Please enjoy this video as a reminder of how cool Zombies once were.

Up Next Twilight and True Blood what it means to the Vampire Nation.

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